The Thoughts of Ana

I am sitting here, on my living room floor, it is snowing outside. It’s 6:39 pm on a Sunday night, I think I am finally figuring out the feeling when it pops into my mind, you know? Anorexia. I was fine, more than fine, I was enjoying a movie called’ It’s kind of a funny story. but, I think it triggered me…

I was in a mental ward in a stress center for a long terrible time before, well, In the moment I thought it was terrible, but I’ve come face to face with the reality that, had I not gone in (Sure I didn’t go willingly) I would probably be dead. you see, I have as you most likely guessed’ Anorexia, I also struggle with Depression, PTSD mixed with anxiety, and if that weren’t enough, I’m a writer, so every thought is super heightened, no, not like a superhero; No more like that crazy collage professor you end up telling stories about, like every thought that comes to my head is analyzed and over analyzed, often very black or white.

Like only “either or outcomes”, “Will I get the job?” No, Yes, Maybe doesn’t enter in. I’ve been told I am a Pessimist. the kind of person who see’s the glass of Coffee as half empty and mourns for the rest of the day… but rather, I like to think, I am the person who see’s the Coffee, and after drinking it to shut everyone up, knocks it to the floor breaking any other chance of that silly black or white answer. But that’s not reality as fun as it may be to think of. I am a pessimist, brought about by many years of over thought situations that still hang in the air, unfinished and shoved under the unmovable rug of time. I guess, after this whole thought process, I know the feeling when Ana takes over my brain, I get this deep feeling, like an ever growing hole in my soul. feeling empty, void of rational thought and sense, a feeling like I’m missing something.

When this happens, before I gained wisdom from my inpatient stay, I would do something that Ana wants me to do, anything it tells me just to stop this sad, sticky feeling. tonight, I am happy to write, I did not give in. I decided to restart my day (not in a literal sense) I restarted my morning routine. I made coffee, it’s simple. but the time and motion my body had to take to scoop the beans into a fresh filter and pour the water into the machine; gave me enough time to let that feeling pass, without harm to my body or my mind, I began to focus on the here and now, I talked out loud; what I was feeling? Why was I feeling thus? Then remembered my power in writing, to write is not just confronting Ana, it’s logging down the times I win, or loose, and what led to that point, Tonight, Right Now, I count as a win.

I’ with a clear mind, will sip my black coffee as I confront the movie that triggered me, nothing is worse than fleeing from a trigger, leaving an unfinished situation to be swept under that unmovable rug of time, until the next trigger rears it’s head, If I stop myself and turn to face this trigger head on, it will not come back. New ones will, but the old ones will be ever recorded as faced, and defeated.

Though WE struggle daily, our minds are still just that, OURS. No disorder, Illness, or Person can take that away. They invade, twist and hurt, but at the end of the long day, as the snow falls outside in our cold, often sad world where Anxiety and memories rage war, WE can keep note, our minds, are OURS and nothing can take that from US. So, Dear Readers, keep up with your own version of making coffee, or talking out loud, wait out those moments of utter despair, face your triggers, be brave, for WE are never alone, The Strength of Our Gracious Heavenly Father, Who Will Never Leave US, Or Forsake US Is always there.

HE alone can calm your racing and troubled mind. For all WE have to do is Open OUR hands and receive the Gift Of HIS peace, Is Ana stronger than GOD? By No Means, then God is surely the One to change the twisted sad thoughts of our empty souls, filling us with the Love of His Fatherly Divine Goodness and Mercy. What a Comfort it is, to know WE are not in this fight alone.

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