In The Thick of It

After a restless night of over thinking and bad dreams I carefully considered my past, starting from when I told the truth about my eating disorder to when I finally understood the depth of my illness, it’s been a long road and it’s far from over, but the choices that I have made and some that were made for me led me to where I am now, and I wonder often, Should I have told the truth? Did I have to leave home?

My answers are, Yes, I did right by telling the truth, I sadly had to leave home, I did the best I could in the moment.

Here’s how I came to this conclusion. By telling the truth I was able to admit my fault and repent of my sins against my body and mind, from the starvation to the harmful thoughts that plagued me, I was forgiven for my sins and given the encouragement to seek the help I so desperately needed and Deserved.

But then You ask, Did you have to leave home to get the help you needed, was it truly necessary? Here is why I say yes. In my journey fighting an eating disorder I have seen the power that comes from my surroundings, No once again, not like a Super power, but rather the influences from the people and places I had around me.

While at home I was with a loving, caring family, I felt comfortable; with no true insight to my illness, it was my comfort that tainted my need for help, I couldn’t see past my normal day to day life to see that my road had an abrupt ending, if I so chose to follow it. I had to be removed from familiar settings, thrown off my game if you will, to see how far I’ve indulged in my illness. Here is a very good example of this, found on Wikipedia :

1859: Louis-Victor Marcé’s case descriptions

Louis-Victor Marcé (1828–1864), a French physician in Paris, published a number of case studies describing psychiatric disorders of women during and following pregnancy. His case descriptions included that of a patient displaying the symptoms of anorexia nervosa in 1859. In 1860, Marcé wrote:

“I would venture to say that the first physicians who attended the patients misunderstood the true significance of this obstinate refusal of food and The hypochondriacal delirium, then, cannot be advantageously encountered so long as the subjects remain in the midst of their own family and their habitual circle.… It is therefore, indispensable to change the habitation and surrounding circumstances, and to entrust the patients to the care of strangers.

Upon reading this I understood the idea of Inpatient treatment centers, those In which the person with the eating Disorder is taken from their home and placed in a facility where the focus is only on returning to health. Some could argue that the sick person could indeed recover at home with a caring supportive family to encourage them, to this I say Yes, absolutely, but one must also argue this is not always the case, for instance an eating disorder is not always visible to the eye, it eventually rears its head, but not always at first. The war after all is within the mind of the sick person, it is an illness that takes root and dig into every thought seeking to completely take over and destroy its’ host. This sick person would most often be told to hide the illness AT ALL COSTS for this illness is an unwelcome alien that must hide or be destroyed before its grip is too tight.

It causes deceitfulness of the sick person, the lies, the excuses, All of which the family of the sick would have to endure with out knowing the cause. But what happens if the sick person becomes scared and shines light on the problem? Well, many cases have many different outcomes, the two that are most arguably certain, is in one case, the family takes the sick persons truth to heart and seeks to support the loved individual in their recovery.

Another outcome is the Cry Wolf Outcome. As the sick person has spun so many lies to withhold the truth of the illness, once they finally tell it, the truth is rejected and other ideas fill the mind of the friends or family; this is the saddest outcome, the Sick person would take it to heart and feel responsible, when in the reality, no one person is responsible, it is the way of the mind in a fallen world, to be hurt and reject the offender out of distrust or sorrow, or to completely deny the illness for the shame it could bring upon the family.

There is no one right answer, it could be many of these things, or none of them, but in this case, it is then that the removal of the Sick person is best. To recover from an illness that fights your every thought, one must be taken from all comfort and forced to see the their own truth. To be encouraged by those who will not let the twisted lies of an eating disorder take place of the sick person, those people who support you through the thick of it, and forgive your every lie and sin, those people who will tell you You are not alone. They are the ones to surround yourself with, they are the ones your eating disorder fears the most.

While your friends and Family are still that, Your Friends and Family, you must understand in the Cry Wolf Scenario, Your eating disorder is not afraid of them but rather it literally feeds off of their doubt and shame, giving you the thought, “If You Look “Sick Enough” They will believe you” But in the removal of this, the eating disorder is no longer in charge, You will begin to see the sadness in the faces of those who support you, you will then see the full account of your illness and despise it’s every lie. This is when you have the encouragement to pray to our Heavenly Father to fight this Illness and to overcome the tempter once and for all. It is so important that you have a support group that can look past your flaws as a sinner and encourage you in the truth of Gods Love for you. He has Bought You with a price more precious than gold or silver, Your very Life right now, Cost Him Everything, It cost him His own Sons blood, The Blood of Jesus, Shed for you on the cross, for the forgiveness of Sins, He has become your shame, Your lies, He became Death so that in Believing you may not die but live under Him in His Kingdom, To serve him No longer in the shame of your illness, For Jesus took that upon Himself to free you. So Dear Reader, Live as One Free In Christ, Fear not Your Illness, Fear not the distrust of those around you, Look to Him, He who gives you the strength to fight this battle and Lord Willing, In the end, be victorious.

So there is my thought process at 3 am.

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