The power of “I”

During my time bouncing from home to home of generous people; I learned what an ‘I Statement’ was. This was new to me, I found out this ‘I statement’ was less argumentative; It’s main focus was on the persons feelings or beliefs.

So, Why am I writing about I statements? It all has to do with my scale. Yes the one thing I should not have owned. My support system asked if I had one, a scale, the question was so direct; so ‘too the point’ that there was no way around answering. “Yes” I mumbled like a child. “You do not need a scale, this does not show you what you are worth, the number on that scale whether up or down does not define you, You are seen as perfect in Gods sight through his Sons bloody death upon the cross for You. He see’s not your size nor your sin any longer, He sees His dear child without spot or blemish, and Loves you.” All this was true, and I knew it. But, still something wasn’t right, I needed that scale how could I track my progress without it?

No matter what I wanted, or rather, what Anorexia wanted, I had to throw it away, I carried it through the parking lot to the dumpster, every step closer felt like time had slowed down, my head began to ache, something deep in my brain was screaming at me; demanding to be heard. But No, I am Gods own Child I gladly say it. I made up My mind, free of the twisted thoughts of Ana, I threw the scale in the dumpster so hard it echoed in my head as I walked back, the echo stilled the voice of my illness, even for just a few moments I felt the freedom of recovery. And it was amazing.

I spent the remainder of my day doing my normal things, but the next day, Thursday to be exact. I woke up in a panic, something was not right, I used every excuse possible to skip work; even a few legit ones, “I can’t drive, my drivers side window is busted out” (True) “I am too busy trying to get a bird out of my home” (Also true) I complained to my support system when my boss offered to pick me up. I wrote my support claiming to feel just awful and told them of my boss and his offer. The reply I got was, “Generous.” It hit me then that Not one thing was wrong with me, It was Ana in my head begging for attention, begging for a day to itself, keeping me home alone, trapped to spend it all with my illness and give it the attention it so desperately needed.

That was not in My plans. I went to work, and what’d Ya Know? I made it through the day Just fine. The next day, Friday, I went to work willing and happy to have a job, I was doing my best to have a good day, but I felt overwhelmed for some reason, my stomach hurt; and my mind told me, “Just throw up, it will help you feel better” I stood in the bathroom at work looking in the mirror, I felt horrible, I wrote to my support system, I told them I felt sick and wanted to throw up but knew this was not a healthy choice, I waited for a reply, none came, I wrote again saying that I wrote only to convince myself not to follow through. No Reply. Anorexia screamed at me, “You’re not trying hard enough, say something else, they need to hear ME”

I looked at my hands and saw they were not Ana’s, but My hands. I turned off my phone and went back to work; determined to ignore the voice craving attention. Later while I was on break, I wrote to my support system and just had a normal conversation, they replied and I realized then, on Feb/19/2021 My support system was there for Me; Not Anorexia, I was lost in this realization, I mean, I knew they were there for me this whole time, but I had only just seen that I had been sharing them with Ana, No More.

I wrote to my support saying “Just updating you. I did not get sick and im no longer willing to give in to the devil. I want to recover” I got a Reply “Thanks be to God! May He grant you grace to endure temptation”

I had finally said it out loud, I want to Recover, loud and clear, Ana had no choice but to listen, it had always run on my emotions, my feelings, but, the one place I still held ground was my Beliefs, this is why I am not succumbed to the deadly grip of Anorexia, I warred with it on that last ground, not fully believing it’s lies, about me and about the way people see me, it had twisted me and made me doubt myself, but I still had a piece of good reason. And Upon using an I statement, Ana had No choice but to keep silent.

The power of I Statement’s fully became seen. I am not healthy yet; I have a ways to go, but Now I feel my journey had started towards the life God wants for me, a healthy one where I can praise Him without a voice of doubt clinging to my brain, without the doubt that I am Gods Child, and He Loves Me the way I am; And not only does He Love me He Likes me too! For I am made in His own image, It is Time for Ana to shut up and move out of the Narrow road; Jesus walks besides me, There is No room for anorexia, this time it is “I” who craves the attention, Jesus died for Me, Not my illness, I don’t want to share my attention, just as God is a Jealous God; I Want to hear Jesus and His words without the voice of Ana screaming at me and begging me to turn a deaf ear to God so I can hear it’s poisonous lies about me and the world; No More! Get Behind me Satan, God is calling, calling me to repentance and to follow Him. Grant me This Dear Heavenly Father, to Endure the race you’ve set before me, Keep me trusting in Your mercy and Promise that You will neither leave me nor forsake me, Help me to hear Your truth and to believe in Your words about who You made me to be. As Your Dear Child I ask this of you. Amen +

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