I find myself getting caught on numbers, during the low points of my illness, the numbers were my main focus. “Is it Low Enough?” I’d ask myself three to four times a day as I stood on a scale, or looked in a mirror, I’d count bones, “is there enough visible?” I’d count calories, And as the years went on, I’d count how many times people would comment on my small size…It’s not a stretch to call this a disease of Numbers, the very idea of numbers always goes back to weight, and comparisons of the day before, or other people.
Deep in the mind of Anorexia one gets so twisted that the very idea of existing is a bad thing, we lose ourselves and yearn to be unnoticed, maybe we don’t always feel that way, but this is the goal of our illness, it is to make us ashamed of who we are as a whole, and to tell us, we are not worth the space we take up, until we are apologizing for everything, and asking for nothing because we simply think we are not worth it.
Why is this such a sad disease? How can one suffer with it and think it’s Ok? I tell you it’s the work of the Liar, The Evil One who seeks only to destroy. Yes, I’m talking about the Devil. No, I’m not saying He is controlling you or possessing you, I’m saying he is lying to you, and we believe Him. He hates what God loves, and God Loves You, so it makes sense that The Devil seeks to destroy you.
His ways are crafty and often unseen, it is often something so small, that we hardly even notice, a single thought that grows into a broken soul, “I’m Fat” or a single act that seems harmless at the time that destroys one’s life, ‘Skipping meals to gain outward approval’ This is the way of Sin. It poses a question, hanging in the air, until we feel the need to answer it,
Did God really say?
Our flesh desires things of the flesh, we are tainted with sin in everything we do, always fighting our old Adam as he struggles to take control, it manifests differently for everyone, on can be tempted by Drink, one by Lust, One by Addiction, and so on, anything that turns us from our Heavenly Father is the work of the World, the Flesh, and our Sinful Nature.
The Devil uses these things against us, He tempts, lures, and invites us to Feel Good, or to Enjoy ourselves however we are tempted, But this is the way of death. God, not only wants us to live, but He wants us to live In Him, Meaning, to ‘dwell in the Shelter of the Most High and to rest in the Shadow of the Almighty, He alone can give us the rest we so fervently seek. He alone can give us peace from this agony we call life.
He only wants to be our Father, Why do we get caught up with the cares of this world? They are only for a little while. But in Him, we are promised Life everlasting. Which is better? I, get caught up in the cares of this world, My home, my job, anything that meets my fancy, I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself, so much in fact that I often overlook why this is happening to me; I wonder why I am sick, or in sorrow, why I can’t be with my family, Why they don’t want me right now,
I get so bent inwards that I can’t see the needs of my neighbors, my friends, my church, the people that God has placed in my life to act as my Family in the stead of my loved ones, they who care for me need my prayers, they need my support, and God wants me to pray for them and help them as they are and have helped me. I must stop thinking about Numbers, the Weight, the days of torment, the nights of bad dreams, the calories, the statistics of my illness,
these things don’t matter, what matters is that I Fix my eyes on Jesus, the author, and perfecter of all things, the One in whom I am safe, where I am made perfect in his eyes, without spot or blemish, the one in whom I am Loved as A dear and free Child of God, Washed clean in my baptism, Clothed as one of Gods Household. This is the thing that matters, the thing that “Outweighs” sorrows and problems in this life.
My thoughts now take me to the idea of what it means to be a Christian, In one very Good opinion, Someone said, “Being a Christian is One Beggar showing another beggar where to get food.” When we invite friends or family to join us at church, this is what we are doing, “I’m Hungry, and beaten by this world, you are too, follow me, I know where there is free food, a place we can go and rest in peace and safety, no longer shall we be alone, there is one who welcomes us in, at no cost to us, His Son already paid the price.”