Hello Dear Readers, Life has taken some twists and turns for me of late; health has been fragile, and my focus has not been on writing this blog. I have made accomplishments though too; not everything is as dark as it seems,
I started a career in stand up (Not just standing up mind you, I talk on a stage and get laughed at by strangers) it has been in benefit in dealing with my mental health, a chance to speak out about my struggles in a way that gets others to see my innermost self, but, my eating disorder, Anorexia is determined to grasp my attention, I fell into a hole this last month yet again,
and am paying the price dearly for my behaviors.
It is such a twisted and sly illness; the effects of my behaviors don’t always hit me then and there, for me, they waited until I was happily at work at a new job, content with the life I was given, then it reared its ugly head as if to say, “Hey, I’m back, did you forget about me?”
I then have to fight extra hard in not losing hope, because my support system had seen me doing well, doing things that help me in this life, I seemed to be getting along just fine, but underneath it all, I was slowly falling into my Anorexia, being in denial that I was stuck again. It wasn’t until I was in the hospital for the 3rd time in 1 week, that I realized how far I’d fallen, the hospital gave me a chance to breathe, for a second of freedom from this voice in my head, screaming at me and pointing out why I’ll never be okay.
I will be okay, but there are times I don’t feel like continuing my journey here, it’s not because I feel like death will “fix” everything, no for me it’s the tired mind, exhausted from the trials its been drug through, the idea that nothing, will change, will ever get better.
But in therapy, we call these feelings “times of a season“ for they are. They are the dead of winter; when it’s too cold to even play in the snow when the world is one degree from snapping into an ice age when even the birds remain hidden. Frost forms over any view the house once offered, frozen wind whips away the joy, sucking it up like your breath as you enter that frozen wasteland. But, Dear Readers, not even the groundhog sees his shadow forever, spring will come.
For this truly is Just a season. The iconic phrase is well known, but no less true, “The Night is darkest just before the Dawn.” Or “The Hill Is the tallest right before it’s fall” the ups and downs are the roller coaster we call life. No one gets a free ride, all feel the jolting effects, Some worse than others. But, in the end, we slow down and look back at the track with pride, breathless from the journey; thinking with glowing faces “I rode through that!” That tall looming obstacle, twisting and dipping, seemingly a death trap, but look at it, see how much you’ve overcome, look back now at the recent struggles that you’ve fought through, You did that! Just imagine the pride you’ll feel tomorrow, and every tomorrow after. You’ve made it to this moment. Just tell yourself every day. Hang on till tomorrow. Nothing feels worse than giving up.
“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, If one only remembers to turn on the light”
The wise Theologian– Albus Dumbledore 🙂