Out of the depths.

Hello Dear readers, it’s been a while. Life takes us on new paths almost daily, a few of those paths have kept me from. Writing here.

Updates are not interesting so lets jump right into the present. I Have started seeing a therapist again for some much needed counseling. I found myself back in the grip of Anorexia, old habits taking front row of my life. Anorexia had its claws so tight around my throat that not a single breath was untainted by it’s lies.

People around me started to notice a change in my behavior, and they grew concerned. So they reached out to my Support System. I was once again sat down and told of these concerns. Thankfully I agreed and was willing to work to improve.

I’m honestly very disappointed in myself, my Support System had recently told me they were prpud of me. And then here I go and fall back again. I struggled with deep depression after realizing this, I saw others as better than me, as if I was the only one who could let my Support System down.

I saw others interact and I felt left out, as if life was moving on and all I was doing was watching. I began to pull away, from the things I enjoyed and the people who love me.

This is when I re-watched my recovery video on YouTube, I remembered the journey I’ve been on, the feelings I’ve felt. It made me see not one struggle is new to me, I’ve been through these feelings before, and I made it through.

I am not experiencing anything new, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps before, I can do it again.

This is why I’m back Dear Readers. Because I know I’m Not the only one struggling, no matter what I think, my struggles are not foreign to man. No matter what I feel or think I see, I am not alone, I never have been. I need to stop looking in my mirror and start looking around me, to the needs of others. After all, we are not here to live for ourselves. We are not meant to torment and dwell on our self perceived imperfections. Rather we must live in service of our neighbors.

Simply opening a door for someone, or thanking your mail carrier can reconnect you to the world we feel left out of. Let’s help ourselves by helping others.

Lord God Almighty, Father. Give us strength to be of service to those whom you put into our lives, guide us in your mercy to do the things you ask of us in our Vocations. Keep us trusting in your promise that you’ll never leave us nor forsake us, lead us out of the depths of our temptation and into the Joy of your love. Though the world seems dark and we feel alone, grant us that we remember your Love and care for us through the death of your Son Jesus. You love Me Dear Father, Help me in my hour of need to remember this. Amen+

Times of a Season

Hello Dear Readers, Life has taken some twists and turns for me of late; health has been fragile, and my focus has not been on writing this blog. I have made accomplishments though too; not everything is as dark as it seems,

I started a career in stand up (Not just standing up mind you, I talk on a stage and get laughed at by strangers) it has been in benefit in dealing with my mental health, a chance to speak out about my struggles in a way that gets others to see my innermost self, but, my eating disorder, Anorexia is determined to grasp my attention, I fell into a hole this last month yet again,
and am paying the price dearly for my behaviors.

It is such a twisted and sly illness; the effects of my behaviors don’t always hit me then and there, for me, they waited until I was happily at work at a new job, content with the life I was given, then it reared its ugly head as if to say, “Hey, I’m back, did you forget about me?”


I then have to fight extra hard in not losing hope, because my support system had seen me doing well, doing things that help me in this life, I seemed to be getting along just fine, but underneath it all, I was slowly falling into my Anorexia, being in denial that I was stuck again. It wasn’t until I was in the hospital for the 3rd time in 1 week, that I realized how far I’d fallen, the hospital gave me a chance to breathe, for a second of freedom from this voice in my head, screaming at me and pointing out why I’ll never be okay.


I will be okay, but there are times I don’t feel like continuing my journey here, it’s not because I feel like death will “fix” everything, no for me it’s the tired mind, exhausted from the trials its been drug through, the idea that nothing, will change, will ever get better.

But in therapy, we call these feelings times of a season for they are. They are the dead of winter; when it’s too cold to even play in the snow when the world is one degree from snapping into an ice age when even the birds remain hidden. Frost forms over any view the house once offered, frozen wind whips away the joy, sucking it up like your breath as you enter that frozen wasteland. But, Dear Readers, not even the groundhog sees his shadow forever, spring will come.

For this truly is Just a season. The iconic phrase is well known, but no less true, “The Night is darkest just before the Dawn.” Or “The Hill Is the tallest right before it’s fall” the ups and downs are the roller coaster we call life. No one gets a free ride, all feel the jolting effects, Some worse than others. But, in the end, we slow down and look back at the track with pride, breathless from the journey; thinking with glowing faces “I rode through that!” That tall looming obstacle, twisting and dipping, seemingly a death trap, but look at it, see how much you’ve overcome, look back now at the recent struggles that you’ve fought through, You did that! Just imagine the pride you’ll feel tomorrow, and every tomorrow after. You’ve made it to this moment. Just tell yourself every day. Hang on till tomorrow. Nothing feels worse than giving up.

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, If one only remembers to turn on the light”

The wise Theologian– Albus Dumbledore 🙂

Stop In the name Of NOW

 I’m Back on track with my blog,

as one struggling with an eating disorder I often think about why I deal with this, like, was it something that happened as a child? Or was it a traumatic event?

I don’t know and it’s probably not helpful to know, the fact of the matter is not why but what to do about it, I get so caught up in the past, that I truly forget about my present. In the hospital, a Nurse, Ms. Amber. She kept telling me to stay in the present, I was overthinking and freaking out about something, she tried to give me tips to calm down, but the words she spoke were what did it, Stay in present.

By staying in the present, or as the hip quote is now “Stay in the now”, doing that allows us to see clearly, for any situation we find ourselves in, think of a moment, for example, getting pulled over for speeding, naturally we begin to panic and fear getting a ticket, we think how fast we’re going and if we can whip up some tears or something, but once the cop comes to us, we are sucked back to the present,

we have to face this moment, and no manner of thinking will save us, the cop is still there, we are still pulled over, we must deal with this here and now before we can get back to driving, back to our trip on the road. now, think about it like the road is our lives, when we overthink and dwell and get lost in the past, thinking thoughts of “what ifs” we are losing control of our “driving” in life, we are caught speeding,

I have found it helpful of late to “Pull myself over” stop my thoughts and force myself to deal with the here and now. I don’t know if it will benefit you in any way, but as for me, a professional overthinker, it helps to focus and calm me down. If you have ever heard the phrase, put a pause on life, this is basically what you are doing with your thoughts,

putting a pause on thinking and refocus on the present. It is ever so easy to get stuck in our minds, especially if you are a writer, analyzing everything within an inch of its matter, or dwelling on past faults, already forgiven sins, it will take a load of stress from your overloaded, stressed mind to just deal with the here and now, nothing else;

like someone wise keeps telling me “worry for today, tomorrow will worry for itself.”

Once again, it’s late, I’m super tired, but thoughts have been keeping me up, I hope that these posts aren’t all nonsense, I want to feel like these sleepless hours are for something useful, but, honestly, whether you read or find these useful, they are still thoughts that are pushed into words and sent through the web, stuck on a screen, no longer in My overloaded mind 🙂

Night, such a good time for writing. 

A Post after a Nightmare

I had a long conversation over the phone with a dear friend of mine recently, she and I go way back to our early childhoods. We’ve seen each other through some of our hardest years, She mourned with me when I lost a close friend, I listened to her when she would vent about bullies, she and I had prayed for each other when our lives changed dramatically, resulting in both of us becoming homeless for a time. 

This evening, she told me of some of her most recent struggles, and I am fraught with anger; she has been treated most disrespectfully, manipulated to the point of self-doubt in her decisions, I stand by the sidelines, feeling helpless. I want to go to these people and tell them a thing or two, I want to defend her choices and stand up for my dearest friend, I want to fix her sorrows. 

But, this is not the way I should go. I want to vent to my support system, yell, and plan action against these people. I don’t want to do the only thing I can and should do, encourage her to be strong, to stand up for herself, she is an adult, a rather smart adult, to be honest, even if she sees this it’s still got to be said, she has more sense to her than my bank does, that’s certain. 

I can’t “Fix” Her problems, or control those who speak against her, I can only be her friend and pray for a peaceful mind and clarity of spirit. She knows that I am here, even if she ever wanted to get rid of me, I’m not moving, she knows I’m stuck as her loyal sidekick, Well, actually, I’m the leader, she’s the Sidekick…..

It is human nature, to see someone’s troubles and yearn to fix them, be it a personal issue, or a perceived flaw of someone. We think we know what to do, the quote we often use is “As an outsider looking in” Like that somehow makes it right to give advice, sometimes it is helpful, but other times, it is just us flaunting that we don’t have that issue, we overlook our problems and focus on everyone else. No, not in every case, but In my own, this is what I do, I think back to My family, thinking If I only could do this, or that, then this “certain problem” would be fixed, When it comes right down to it, all we as Friends or Family can ever do, is support one another in brotherly affection, and encourage others to do the right thing by Gods commands. 

I can’t “Fix” my friends’ problems, I can’t track down these people, I can’t solve all her issues. I CAN Pray for her, for the people giving her stress, I can let her know I am here for her. Much In the same way my cat is, to bother her till all her problems are forgotten……though, I don’t plan On biting her or making her break out in an allergic reaction, though, I do have that effect on some people.

Remember, If you’re struggling, and feel helpless for any reason, there is one, one who can help you, Not some Outsider looking in, but one in the very midst of your sufferings, one who knows your pain, your fears, the anxiety that causes sleepless nights, Jesus Christ, He is the one who can “Fix” Our problems, if it is His will, He will end My friends torment and self-doubt, He will still the tongues of those who persecute her, He alone can bring peace to men and Love to one another. 

But, That’s Just my Opinion, “As an outsider looking in” ………………..

Now; I’m half asleep over my keyboard, a nightmare is keeping me up, but as I have no more nonsense to write about tonight, I’m going to stop. If you so feel obliged, remember me in your prayers.

no, not that I make a post worth reading, that’s almost impossible, pray that I am granted the strength to recover from this “Thorn in my side” the cross I’m meant to carry until it is lifted by Gods grace. We all have a burden, a sign of our sin amongst us, But I pray God would take away our sufferings, whether here on earth or there in eternity, He alone can save us from this plague which is Sin. Alright, thinking skills are fading, time to go back to bed. Enjoy the posts.

Numbers

I find myself getting caught on numbers, during the low points of my illness, the numbers were my main focus. “Is it Low Enough?” I’d ask myself three to four times a day as I stood on a scale, or looked in a mirror, I’d count bones, “is there enough visible?” I’d count calories, And as the years went on, I’d count how many times people would comment on my small size…It’s not a stretch to call this a disease of Numbers, the very idea of numbers always goes back to weight, and comparisons of the day before, or other people.

Deep in the mind of Anorexia one gets so twisted that the very idea of existing is a bad thing, we lose ourselves and yearn to be unnoticed, maybe we don’t always feel that way, but this is the goal of our illness, it is to make us ashamed of who we are as a whole, and to tell us, we are not worth the space we take up, until we are apologizing for everything, and asking for nothing because we simply think we are not worth it.

Why is this such a sad disease? How can one suffer with it and think it’s Ok? I tell you it’s the work of the Liar, The Evil One who seeks only to destroy. Yes, I’m talking about the Devil. No, I’m not saying He is controlling you or possessing you, I’m saying he is lying to you, and we believe Him. He hates what God loves, and God Loves You, so it makes sense that The Devil seeks to destroy you.

His ways are crafty and often unseen, it is often something so small, that we hardly even notice, a single thought that grows into a broken soul, “I’m Fat” or a single act that seems harmless at the time that destroys one’s life, ‘Skipping meals to gain outward approval’ This is the way of Sin. It poses a question, hanging in the air, until we feel the need to answer it,

Did God really say?

Our flesh desires things of the flesh, we are tainted with sin in everything we do, always fighting our old Adam as he struggles to take control, it manifests differently for everyone, on can be tempted by Drink, one by Lust, One by Addiction, and so on, anything that turns us from our Heavenly Father is the work of the World, the Flesh, and our Sinful Nature.

The Devil uses these things against us, He tempts, lures, and invites us to Feel Good, or to Enjoy ourselves however we are tempted, But this is the way of death. God, not only wants us to live, but He wants us to live In Him, Meaning, to ‘dwell in the Shelter of the Most High and to rest in the Shadow of the Almighty, He alone can give us the rest we so fervently seek. He alone can give us peace from this agony we call life.

He only wants to be our Father, Why do we get caught up with the cares of this world? They are only for a little while. But in Him, we are promised Life everlasting. Which is better? I, get caught up in the cares of this world, My home, my job, anything that meets my fancy, I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself, so much in fact that I often overlook why this is happening to me; I wonder why I am sick, or in sorrow, why I can’t be with my family, Why they don’t want me right now,

I get so bent inwards that I can’t see the needs of my neighbors, my friends, my church, the people that God has placed in my life to act as my Family in the stead of my loved ones, they who care for me need my prayers, they need my support, and God wants me to pray for them and help them as they are and have helped me. I must stop thinking about Numbers, the Weight, the days of torment, the nights of bad dreams, the calories, the statistics of my illness,

these things don’t matter, what matters is that I Fix my eyes on Jesus, the author, and perfecter of all things, the One in whom I am safe, where I am made perfect in his eyes, without spot or blemish, the one in whom I am Loved as A dear and free Child of God, Washed clean in my baptism, Clothed as one of Gods Household. This is the thing that matters, the thing that “Outweighs” sorrows and problems in this life.

My thoughts now take me to the idea of what it means to be a Christian, In one very Good opinion, Someone said, “Being a Christian is One Beggar showing another beggar where to get food.” When we invite friends or family to join us at church, this is what we are doing, “I’m Hungry, and beaten by this world, you are too, follow me, I know where there is free food, a place we can go and rest in peace and safety, no longer shall we be alone, there is one who welcomes us in, at no cost to us, His Son already paid the price.”

Backing the Adversary

The other night I woke up from a nightmare, I sat up and began to think of different things to calm myself self down. But instead I thought of this.

My thoughts took me to my early childhood; I was probably only five or six. My brother and I were watching our neighbor mistreat his dog, this dog was skinny and abused. We felt sorry for it and when the master wasn’t around we would give the poor Beast some water.

Needless to say, that dog never wagged his tail when the master was near. I think that dog was more intelligent than some humans. No, don’t get offended just yet. This dog knew his master was harmful and mean. So why can’t some humans have that intuition about some of the things in their lives? “What are you getting at?” You ask, well, I guess I am thinking about how some of us humans develop strange behaviors towards things that are harmful to us.

I’m talking about eating disorders in particular, although the examples are nearly infinite. We have long known the term “Stockholm syndrome” it 1st became known during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden. There were four hostages held in the pit of a Bank Safe, and before the ordeal came to an end, the hostages were sympathetic to their captors.

Why? Well from research, the conclusion is, this forms out of a false sense of security and care. The victim was shown the threat of death, then the captors gave the promise to spare them. When being face to face with death, then to have that taken away, this makes one exceedingly joyful and thankful. Thus giving that false sense of security. Now in the correlation between Stockholm syndrome and eating disorders. Many eating disorders are formed during stressful or traumatic events, the eating disorder becomes a coping skill to deal with the situation one is struggling with.

It becomes a security blanket, or rather, a false sense of security. We become thankful for its company, It becomes the thing that is always there for us. But not unlike those people in Stockholm, Sweden, We have become willing hostages of our eating disorder. We forget the harm it is doing and only see the comfort we Think it gives us. We Soon become so Enmeshed with our deadly foe, that we begin to turn on those who try to help us for real.

We lie and act out in anger when our captor gets threatened by the chance of being unmasked or by recovery, we hold on tight and listen to its every demand. We do not see that we are being held at gunpoint in the pit of a bank safe (aka Our minds), forced to obey its every need. We turn a deaf ear to the cries of those raiding that bank, trying to get us out, they first negotiate with the captor, the captor is relentless; demanding it has our best intentions at heart, that we are fine.

It’s not until by the grace of God, we are given a glance at our captors’ real side, whether it came from an intervention from loved ones, or a medical scare, or However God shows Us this deadly Foe, we see and its twisted and distorted figure suddenly becomes so real, that we even notice the chains that bind us, we then hear the voices of those calling out to us, begging us to fight our way out, the captor turns its ugly eyes towards us.

It understands we have seen the truth of our situation, this thing is no longer formed as a friend, but rather it is now the very face of death in our eyes, we know we must fight to get out of that bank safe, to turn away from the will of the Captor, We reach out a hand, desperate for one of our loved ones outside that bank to grab us and pull us out, a hand does latch on, it is Gods hand, leading us in the way we should go, giving us the strength to endure our temptations and to gladly do what he commands.

We are handed by God to those who love us, they forgive us for turning our back to them, they give us food and drink, a house or home, Family, and all the things to support this body in life, all the things, our captor in that bank safe was keeping us from, it was hiding us too deep in ourselves that the light of the word, which is Christ, was dimmed, but, Thanks, Be to God, in His Mercy and Love for us, He shone brighter and blinded that Captor, He pulled us away from its tight bondage and gave us a key to freedom through His Son Jesus.

The Captor leaves the vault now, desperate to find us and tie us up again, we pass it in our daily vocations, we catch a glimpse of its familiar face from time to time and sometimes we yearn for the false security it offered, this world is not a liar, if it’s hard, it will feel hard, if it’s stressful, it will be stressful, we think at least with the Captor, we could paint our feelings of these matters, we could turn inward to that part of ourselves that stopped feeling, or caring.

But this is when we must remember how it was to be given the gift of rebirth in our road to recovery, the gift that God gave us as He places us in the care of those who love us, and who deal with the stress and hard days alongside us. With the Captor, Anorexia, We were alone, faking our peace and comfort, but when we let it go back to the hole it crawled out of, we see even if it’s hard and scary, we are never alone.

From our many friends, our support system, to God Himself, we are so bountifully and graciously blessed, it no longer seems like a fantasy to go back to that Bank safe, it seems now, like something to fight, to flee from, to run to our Heavenly Father for rest, and to No longer Back Our Adversary.

Give us the strength Dear Heavenly Father to continue fighting our Old Adam, Forgive us when we stumble and in Your Mercy Grant that we rise anew in You and in the forgiveness of our sins. Grant us peace of mind and a calm spirit, help and defend us in all trials, show yourself a very present help in our hour of need. Grant us the strength to endure our temptations, and on the last day, to be victorious against the Evil One, by the Grace and Mercy of Your Son Jesus Christ, Who died for all sinners, that we may not die but have eternal life in You. Through Jesus Christ Our Lord, Amen +

A Park Bench

A person is sitting on a bench in the middle of a park; it makes sense though it’s finally nice weather out. 

It’s late February, snow and mud lay scattered, the sun is shining bright and giving just enough warmth to invite people outdoors; The person on the bench seems only vaguely interested in the world around her. She sits there with her back to the sun, a notebook in her lap, the edges of her coat dip into the mud under the bench. She is wearing headphones and looks up from time to time. She knows she stops writing after every sentence, 

there is an uplifting joy in her solitude, living in the world, sitting on the sidelines, not being a part of its action, 

like a silent observer to a popular game. 

The game of Life. She sees the players in this round, she sees the future, the giddy youth, some playing on the swings and slides with younger siblings, some learning how to stand on a moving skateboard and learning to rise unashamed if they fall. As she studies the children at play, she realizes some of the biggest lessons of life were being taught at this moment to these kids. 

She thinks back to when she was taught those same lessons, she never considered it until now, she looked at a girl who was getting back up from the ground, her skateboard rolled to another skater, the skater picked up her board and gave it back. “Good job!” He said, she smiled and got back on her board, the lesson she was learning was “It’s okay to fall, falling is just another opportunity to stand stronger.” 

Everyone falls, but, Only the resilient continue to stand. 

Such a deep thought to have while sitting in a park.

The power of “I”

During my time bouncing from home to home of generous people; I learned what an ‘I Statement’ was. This was new to me, I found out this ‘I statement’ was less argumentative; It’s main focus was on the persons feelings or beliefs.

So, Why am I writing about I statements? It all has to do with my scale. Yes the one thing I should not have owned. My support system asked if I had one, a scale, the question was so direct; so ‘too the point’ that there was no way around answering. “Yes” I mumbled like a child. “You do not need a scale, this does not show you what you are worth, the number on that scale whether up or down does not define you, You are seen as perfect in Gods sight through his Sons bloody death upon the cross for You. He see’s not your size nor your sin any longer, He sees His dear child without spot or blemish, and Loves you.” All this was true, and I knew it. But, still something wasn’t right, I needed that scale how could I track my progress without it?

No matter what I wanted, or rather, what Anorexia wanted, I had to throw it away, I carried it through the parking lot to the dumpster, every step closer felt like time had slowed down, my head began to ache, something deep in my brain was screaming at me; demanding to be heard. But No, I am Gods own Child I gladly say it. I made up My mind, free of the twisted thoughts of Ana, I threw the scale in the dumpster so hard it echoed in my head as I walked back, the echo stilled the voice of my illness, even for just a few moments I felt the freedom of recovery. And it was amazing.

I spent the remainder of my day doing my normal things, but the next day, Thursday to be exact. I woke up in a panic, something was not right, I used every excuse possible to skip work; even a few legit ones, “I can’t drive, my drivers side window is busted out” (True) “I am too busy trying to get a bird out of my home” (Also true) I complained to my support system when my boss offered to pick me up. I wrote my support claiming to feel just awful and told them of my boss and his offer. The reply I got was, “Generous.” It hit me then that Not one thing was wrong with me, It was Ana in my head begging for attention, begging for a day to itself, keeping me home alone, trapped to spend it all with my illness and give it the attention it so desperately needed.

That was not in My plans. I went to work, and what’d Ya Know? I made it through the day Just fine. The next day, Friday, I went to work willing and happy to have a job, I was doing my best to have a good day, but I felt overwhelmed for some reason, my stomach hurt; and my mind told me, “Just throw up, it will help you feel better” I stood in the bathroom at work looking in the mirror, I felt horrible, I wrote to my support system, I told them I felt sick and wanted to throw up but knew this was not a healthy choice, I waited for a reply, none came, I wrote again saying that I wrote only to convince myself not to follow through. No Reply. Anorexia screamed at me, “You’re not trying hard enough, say something else, they need to hear ME”

I looked at my hands and saw they were not Ana’s, but My hands. I turned off my phone and went back to work; determined to ignore the voice craving attention. Later while I was on break, I wrote to my support system and just had a normal conversation, they replied and I realized then, on Feb/19/2021 My support system was there for Me; Not Anorexia, I was lost in this realization, I mean, I knew they were there for me this whole time, but I had only just seen that I had been sharing them with Ana, No More.

I wrote to my support saying “Just updating you. I did not get sick and im no longer willing to give in to the devil. I want to recover” I got a Reply “Thanks be to God! May He grant you grace to endure temptation”

I had finally said it out loud, I want to Recover, loud and clear, Ana had no choice but to listen, it had always run on my emotions, my feelings, but, the one place I still held ground was my Beliefs, this is why I am not succumbed to the deadly grip of Anorexia, I warred with it on that last ground, not fully believing it’s lies, about me and about the way people see me, it had twisted me and made me doubt myself, but I still had a piece of good reason. And Upon using an I statement, Ana had No choice but to keep silent.

The power of I Statement’s fully became seen. I am not healthy yet; I have a ways to go, but Now I feel my journey had started towards the life God wants for me, a healthy one where I can praise Him without a voice of doubt clinging to my brain, without the doubt that I am Gods Child, and He Loves Me the way I am; And not only does He Love me He Likes me too! For I am made in His own image, It is Time for Ana to shut up and move out of the Narrow road; Jesus walks besides me, There is No room for anorexia, this time it is “I” who craves the attention, Jesus died for Me, Not my illness, I don’t want to share my attention, just as God is a Jealous God; I Want to hear Jesus and His words without the voice of Ana screaming at me and begging me to turn a deaf ear to God so I can hear it’s poisonous lies about me and the world; No More! Get Behind me Satan, God is calling, calling me to repentance and to follow Him. Grant me This Dear Heavenly Father, to Endure the race you’ve set before me, Keep me trusting in Your mercy and Promise that You will neither leave me nor forsake me, Help me to hear Your truth and to believe in Your words about who You made me to be. As Your Dear Child I ask this of you. Amen +

The Open Road

Freedom in an open road.

Freedom is a scary thing, it gives us the option to mess up, to do wrong, and possibly fail. We feel safe in our little cages of fear and hidden sins, we don’t want the uncertainty of freedom. Why be unsure when we can have everything under our control? Because Dear Readers, our safety in our cages is false security, it is not in our control, rather We are in its control, whether it be your addictions, eating disorders, abusive relationships, or just flat-out sinful behaviors.

We are not in control of these things, we became pray to the evil deceptions of the Devil, the one who lures you with promises of safety and traps you in a grip so strong we cannot break free from, but Dear Readers, we are not the only one trying to get ourselves out; Jesus is our way of escape, in our times of weakness He alone helps us up to carry on. We only have to trust in His Good and Gracious Mercy and His promise that He will Never Turn His back to us.

He hears us Dear Readers, our cries for help amid trouble, He sees our tears fall as they soak our pillows in the night, He sees the pain behind our smiles, He knows your heart is broken when you pretend to laugh, He feels our pain when we hurt the body He gave us, He is standing in front of You as You overlook the ledge deciding to jump or not into the cage where everything is easier, He stands there with His arms pointing back to the Safety of His Gospel, Pointing to the Cross where He died for You.

We feel lost, alone, and out of touch with the world, this Dear Readers is how the Devil works, He uses our feelings of isolation to pull us deeper within our sinful hearts and sorrow ridden minds, where he twists the love of God in our eyes, we feel unworthy of His grace and love, we feel as If God could not possibly Love Me. How could He? I’m So Bad. This may shock you but, yes, You are, We are, I am. But God no longer sees that for through the washing of our Baptism and renewal of the spirit through Confession and absolution; We are beheld as Pure and true Children of God, Free In Him, No longer stuck in Our cages, institutionalized by fear.

Jesus Christ is truly what He said The Way, The Truth and The Light, through Him Alone, do we Come to our Heavenly Father Strong in Spirit and Joyfully shouting His Praise, This Dear Reader is the true Freedom of the Open Road, the Narrow way Where Christ calls us through Repentance and Faith to be Gods Own Children.
Listen to Him, walk in that Narrow way, tell the Devil that You Are Worth it, For God Not only gave His Son for You, He also Calls You His Dear Child, Think of it, As Children Of God, What more do We Lack? The Cares of this world suddenly seem small to the Promise Given to us In our Baptism, So Why can’t we remember all this when we struggle? The Answer is Simple, we Do, but in the sinful moment, we don’t care.

Repent Dear Readers and Fight for the freedom given to us By Jesus. It’s there, why not hold fast to it? Why not…after all, That’s true Control, Control over the Devil, but, We do not do this alone, we never do, Jesus is at the helm steering us in the way We should go. Thanks, Be to God+

A Thought on Hope

What stops a sick person from fighting for recovery? It depends on the situation really, in what I like to call the “Grandfather Scenario” A person is either super, super sick; that and/or really old, they fought the good fight but their body has finally reached its’ limit, the person holds on, clinging to the very last breath until the persons loved ones encourage them and tell them “it’s ok to let go.” The person does, Letting go of the suffering and pain to go live with our Heavenly Father until the last day where we shall meet again. Yes, this happened to my Grandfather.

But You ask, What impedes the recovery of someone else, who is this someone else? Well, I’m glad you asked, there are many upon many examples that could be laid out right now, but this blog is written about recovering from an eating disorder, so lets head down that road shall we? In my case, when fighting a chronic illness, I am not really old nor do I Seem really sick, there are times when I act and Look completely healthy but this is the lie of Anorexia, In it’s vain hope of living in its host; it gives peace days, if you will, days of normality so as to convince its host (AKA us) that there is no need for change, no need for the medication on the counter “You’re happy today; depression must be gone.”

It is lies Dear readers, this not only encourages us in leaving our walk in recovery but its hastens us to give up. In our frustration we claim that Recovery is “Impossible” during these setbacks, the mind and body becomes weak and tired from this long fight, only to take one step forward and two steps back it seems, we do not want to starve, not really, we do not want Anorexia to win, but it is easier to give it what it wants; to give in to bad behaviors in our futile hope of stopping the voice for just a bit; but we give an inch; it takes a mile.

This Dear readers is what it looks like to stop fighting for recovery, In the Grandfather scenario, the sick person has not given up but has reach the end in their natural time that God has laid out for them, no less sad, no less painful at times, but Dear readers, the Sick Person Did Not Give IN, this is where We differ, in fighting down to the last breath, it is said of you, you died fighting. In giving IN to our illness’s we are void of all hope in our Heavenly Father, this is not where God has placed us, our Road goes where Christ leads, He is after all the Lamp unto our feet, guiding the way, leading us and carrying us when it becomes too hard, the way of despair, of hopelessness is not Gods way, it is the Devils.

That is what stops a sick person in the road to Recovery, the mistrust of Gods love and promise that He will Neither Leave us nor Forsake us, That we are bought and paid for with His Son’s own blood, making us His True and precious Children, I am God’s own Child I Gladly say it, I am Baptized into Christ, I’m a Child of Paradise.

When our minds become heavy with the thoughts of Anorexia, when we feel utter and terrible distress’ remember God is watching and has given you a way of escape, we want to just give in to our temptations, we want to stop trying, but this is not what God wants for us. He has blessed us with Support systems, from the people in our lives to hotlines and hospitals, all these are ways out of this moment in time when we struggle with continuing our walk on the road of recovery, this Dear readers is when Christ is carrying you, when it becomes too hard, this is when you are not alone, You see it in the love and care given by those who help you through this.

These people are there because God put them into your life, because He knows how you will be tempted and He knows how to help you. The support system is much like the loved ones in the Grandfather scenario, but instead of “Letting Go” they encourage Us to carry on, fight the fight, run the race, cheering us on as we struggle and lifting us as we fall, we are Never a burden to those who were sent to help us, you are not hogging the Hotline, or Stressing out the doctors, or Bothering your support system.

It is not only the job of these people to give to you healing and comfort in body, mind and spirit, but it is to their honor that they are doing the will of Our Heavenly Father, tending to the little sheep, who just needs to trust in the Good Shepherd, He is with us in all things, and when we forget of our helpers sent by God, or wonder why we can’t just ‘Give up’; my uneducated advice is to do this, (A long lost quote from my old Teacher, Rammie- recently found in an old journal) “Well Kid, when you feel like everything is out of control, no way out, feel your heart beat, let your hand sit there, feel the motion of your breath and the thump of your heart, You are alive, Still alive, this means, There is still Hope”